MP Johnson's
Would You Rather
Would you rather write an entire book with your feet or with
your tongue?
My tongue. I wouldn’t want to have to clean the foot funk
off my keyboard every time I finished writing for the day.
Would you rather have one giant bestseller or a long string
of moderate sellers?
Like Carlton Mellick III, Cameron Pierce, Kevin L. Donihe
and the other bizarro authors who I consider my role models in terms of book
sales, my goal is to have a long, long string of books that sell to a small but
dedicated group of readers. My plan is to put out one or two books a year to
further that goal. My first book, The After-Life Story of Pork Knuckles Malone,
is out now. My second book, Dungeons and Drag Queens, is on the way. Books
three through six are in various stages of production. I do this because I love
it, and I’ll keep writing weird shit regardless of whether anyone buys it, but
a nice cult readership would feel good. I have no delusions that books about
slime-spewing psychic pigs and sword-wielding drag queens would ever become
bestsellers.
Would you rather be a well-known author now or be considered
a literary genius after you’re dead?
As much as my rotting corpse would enjoy getting its props,
I’m going to have to say I’d rather take my accolades now please.
Would you rather write a book without using conjunctions or
have every sentence of your book begin with one?
So I think it would be far less annoying to go without
conjunctions. And it would feel more natural than trying to start every sentence
with one.
Would you rather have every word of your favorite novel
tattooed on your skin or always playing as an audio in the background for the
rest of your life?
I’d get Naked Lunch tattooed all over my body. “Did I ever
tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk” would be a rad tramp
stamp.
Would you rather write a book you truly believe in and have
no one read it or write a crappy book that compromises everything you believe
in and have it become an overnight success?
I’ve already written plenty of books and short stories that
I truly believe in that nobody has ever read and some of which will probably
never be read by anyone except me, so I guess that answers that question. I
think I would vomit if I achieved any sort of mainstream success.
Would you rather write a plot twist you hated or write a
character you hated?
I write a lot of characters I hate. The main character in my
short story “Lake Street,” which appears in the David Lynch tribute anthology
In Heaven Everything is Fine, is a pathetic piece of shit. He has a few
endearing qualities, but overall he’s not someone I’d want to hang out with. On
the other hand, I’d only truly hate a plot twist if it was bad, and there’s
little that can be done to salvage a story from a bad plot twist.
Would you rather use your skin as paper or your blood as
ink?
I don’t think I’d even be able to fit three short stories on
my skin the way I write, especially since I wouldn’t be able to reach my back,
and it would be hard to erase and I’d have to shave or wax more often. But I’ve
got a lot of blood.
Would you rather become a character in your novel or have
your characters escape the page and reenact the novel in real life?
This is a horrible answer because a
lot of people would die in very unpleasant, slime-spewing ways, but I think I’d
prefer to have the characters from The After-Life Story of Pork Knuckles Malone
do their thing in the real world.
Would you rather write without using punctuation and
capitalization or without using words that contained the letter E?
i need to keep my E words but punctuation and capitalization
are just adornments that I could easily do without
Would you rather have schools teach your book or ban your
book?
Ban it! I think kids would be more likely to read it then. I
didn’t read most of what I was assigned in school, but when I heard about books
that I shouldn’t read, I was all over them.
Would you rather be forced to listen to Ayn Rand bloviate
for an hour or be hit on by an angry Dylan Thomas?
Angry Dylan Thomas, in a bowtie, cigarette hanging limp from
his lips, could hit on me all night long, and I would probably reject his
advances, but they would be more enjoyable than that angry lady’s bloviating.
Would you rather be reduced to speaking only in haiku or be
capable of only writing in haiku?
Writing in haiku
Is to me far pref’rable
To speaking in it
Would you rather be stuck on an island with only the 50
Shades Series or only the Harry Potter series?
I’m sure either would be just as effective for burning to
keep me warm at night while I use a stick to scribble my own stories into the
beach.
Would you rather critics rip your book apart publically or
never talk about it at all?
I love getting ripped apart by critics! It’s a strong
reaction and I find it very compelling. I’ve been critically pissed on a lot
over the years, for my zine and for my chapbooks. One of my favorites was when
a Goodreads reviewer said of my chapbook The Mutilation of Paris Hilton: “Absolutely
disgusting. Why would anyone read this for fun?” I’m actually kind of weirded
out that nobody has said anything bad about my newest book, The After-Life
Story of Pork Knuckles Malone, since there’s a lot of offensive stuff in there.
Would you rather have everything you think automatically
appear on your Twitter feed or have a voice in your head narrate your every
move?
The voice in my head does a lot of narration as is. I take
it that’s not supposed to happen? What about this internal laugh track? Is that
supposed to be there?
Would you rather give up your computer or pens and paper?
I’d ditch the computer, although I don’t think publishers
would be all that happy with the pages of hand-scribbled notebook paper I would
have to submit to them. I think there’d be a noticeable uptick in rejection
letters.
Would you rather write an entire novel standing on your
tippy-toes or laying down flat on your back?
I was in a workshop once with a writer who revealed that he
rarely touched a keyboard. He used dictation software. He just sat in his
recliner and told his stories out loud. He only touched the keyboard to clean
up the draft and do revisions. Seems relaxing and I could totally do that while
laying down flat on my back, but I’d miss the physicality of writing.
Would you rather read naked in front of a packed room or
have no one show up to your reading?
I would gladly read naked. I look better naked. In fact, if
anyone wants to set up a naked reading for me, just let me know. I’ll need a
big crowd though.
Would you rather read a book that is written
poorly but has an excellent story, or read one with weak content but is written
well?
The most compelling
thing to me in art of any form is passion. As long as I get the sense that the
author was absolutely in love with what the story they were writing, I don’t
care how weak the writing is stylistically. This is part of the reason I’ve
gravitated toward bizarro fiction. I love the stuff that publishers like
Eraserhead Press and Bizarro Pulp Press are putting out, because the authors
are dead set on telling wonderfully weird stories. Thankfully, many of these
authors are also good stylistically.
Would
you rather be forced to kill off your favorite character or to make your least
favorite character your protagonist?
This
is tough, because I think both would be really intriguing exercises. I'm going
to go with making my least favorite character my protagonist, because it would
force me to explore nooks and crannies of that character's personality that I
may not have explored otherwise. That being said, looking back at the characters
in my various published works, the ones I would say I like the least are the
ones that weren't sufficiently developed.
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Check back next week to see how JA Tyler answer's MP Johnson's question:
or a weekly column about your bowel's abilities?
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MP Johnson's short
stories have appeared in more than 25 underground books and magazines, including
Bare Bone and Cthulhu Sex. His debut book, The After-Life Story of Pork Knuckles
Malone, was recently released by Bizarro Pulp Press. His second book, Dungeons
and Drag Queens, is due soon from Eraserhead Press. He is the creator of Freak
Tension zine, a B-movie extra and an obsessive music fan currently based in
Minneapolis . Learn more at www.freaktension.com.
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