Caleb J Ross's
Would You Rather
1. Would you rather write an entire book with
your feet or with your tongue?
I’ve got freakishly long toes, so for the sake probability
and completion, I’ll say feet. However, the concept of a tongue-written book
intrigues me, in a literal reflection of the metaphorical kind of way. Writing
in tongues (re: thoughts to words) becomes literally writing in tongues. Plus,
it would be nice to incorporate another sense into the writing process. We rely
so much on touch.
2. Would you rather have one giant bestseller
or a long string of moderate sellers?
Probably the long string of moderate sellers. That way I
never feel like I’m trying to regain something, trying to fit into an
expectation.
I suppose my choice could be determined by whether or not I
knew ahead of time that I was only going to have one giant bestseller vs. a
string of moderate sellers. Could I choose the bestseller? Would it be possible
then for me to consciously create a The
Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs situation, forcing the world to love my
most depraved work? If so, definitely the one giant bestseller. It would be
about a flatus monster trying to find its way back to the anus. Kind of like Wizard of Oz if Toto was a dingle berry.
3. Would you rather be a well known author now
or be considered a literary genius after you’re dead?
Definitely well know now. Once I’m dead, I’m dead. It’s the
same logic that I use when telling my family that I just want to be cremated
and thrown in the trash when I die. I don’t care how beautiful my gravestone
is. Put that money toward something better.
4. Would you rather write a book without using
conjunctions or have every sentence of your book begin with one?
Without conjunctions. It would still be possible to create a
compelling narrative without them. Think of it this way: there are only a
handful of conjunctions, but there are infinite ways to not use them.
However, this is just the kind of experimental goal I set
for myself when I write, so writing an entire book in which every sentence
started with a conjunction could be fun. How I write now, I often set a goal to
create a good story based off a terrible premise. For example, in my newest
novella, As a
Machine and Parts (just recently re-released) the premise involves a
man who slowly and inexplicably turns into a machine. That’s a stupid concept.
But if I’m a good writer, I should be able to make the narrative compelling
enough that the reader forgets how stupid the concept is. Other examples: a man
who collects human lips. A woman who tries to get her mentally challenged son
kidnapped. By the end of a Caleb J. Ross story I want the reader to have been
so invested in the characters that he/she forgets all the stupid stuff
surrounding the characters.
So, maybe writing a compelling all-conjunction book is a
good test. And a masochistic treat. But without the physical pain. Or perhaps
with lots of it.
5. Would you rather have every word of your
favorite novel tattooed on your skin or always playing as an audio in the
background for the rest of your life?
The tattoo option. Because the audio option is ever-present,
it would basically be an aural tattoo of sorts, meaning just as permanent,
except I wouldn’t be able to cover it up with clothes. Also, if nobody else
could hear the audio, I’d probably eventually get committed to a padded room.
On the plus side, I’d have my favorite audio book with me.
All of this really depends on whether or not Bobcat
Goldthwait is the audiobook narrator, with secondary characters voiced by Gilbert
Gottfried. If so, then obviously I’m going with the audio version.
6. Would you rather write a book you truly
believe in and have no one read it or write a crappy book that compromises
everything you believe in and have it become an overnight success?
The problem with having a successful anything that you don’t
truly believe in is that from that point forward you’ll dread having to deliver
the same kind of content. That would be its own kind of hell in a way. Let me
write crap, I say!
7. Would you rather write a plot twist you
hated or write a character you hated?
I can deal with a shitty plot twist; that happens only once.
But enduring an entire novel full of crappy characters, even one with an
amazing plot twist, would be awful. Not just for the readers, but for me as
well.
8. Would you rather use your skin as paper or
your blood as ink?
Oh, can I choose both? There’s an artist, Vincent Castiglia, who uses his
blog in his paintings, so that option seems acceptable enough. The skin paper
thing seems pretty close to traditional tattooing. Put them together and, well,
the blood just goes back into the body and dissipates. Kinda anti-climactic,
now that I fully explore that thought. Sorry to have wasted your time.
9. Would you rather become a character in your
novel or have your characters escape the page and reenact the novel in real
life?
As long as I didn’t have to be a part of the real-life
reenactment, I’d choose to let the characters escape. I have some crazy stuff
going on in my novels.
10. Would you rather write without using
punctuation and capitalization or without using words that contained the letter
E?
Definitely without punctuation and capitalization. Back at
the dawn of the English language, punctuation, capitalization, even spelling
and grammar were largely un-regimented. So, knowing it was possible to get the
message across back then, I’m sure it would be possible now. Writing without
the letter E would be much more difficult. One of my
favorite novels ever, Ella Minnow Pea
by Mark Dunn, explores this idea, though I think in that novel Dunn chooses
to first get rid of easier, non-vowels before he touches on the letter E.
11. Would you rather have schools teach your
book or ban your book?
Either way is great for the wallet. Taking that out of the
equation, I’d go with having schools teach my book. Any book can get banned,
but not any book can be taught. Plus, it’s an honor to have a book be taught
(re: validated) by a college. All having a book banned really means is that
you’ve struck a nerve with a small, although loud, sub-cultur. Having a book
banned would come with its type of validation, though, I suppose.
12. Would you rather be forced to listen to Ayn
Rand bloviate for an hour or be hit on by an angry Dylan Thomas?
Getting hit on my Dylan Thomas would be quicker, so I’ll go
that route.
13. Would you rather be reduced to speaking only
in haiku or be capable of only writing in haiku?
Speaking. I communicate so much more via writing, whether
via email, fiction, blog posts, shopping lists, and on and on. I could probably
get away with not having to speak (I think it’s funny that rather than
entertain the idea of speaking in haiku, I instead decide that not speaking at
all is a better choice…I think that speaks more to my laziness than to my
hatred of haiku).
14. Would you rather be stuck on an island with
only the 50 Shades Series or a series in a language you couldn’t read?
Ethically speaking, I wouldn’t be able to read the 50 Shades
series so honestly it probably doesn’t matter which one I choose. So I’ll go
with whichever has more pages. I’ll need them to start a fire.
15. Would you rather critics rip your book
apart publically or never talk about it at all?
Publically. The general public (who make up the majority of
book readers) don’t pay attention to critics anyway. Remember, no critic ever
praised 50 Shades of Gray or Twilight. Then again, I wouldn’t want to
have written either of those series.
16. Would you rather have everything you think
automatically appear on your Twitter feed or have a voice in your head narrate
your every move?
As long as that voice in my head sounds like Tom Waits I’d
definitely go for the voice in my head.
17. Would you rather give up your computer or
pens and paper?
I could never turn my back on ol’ Compy. If the choice had
to be made I’d unfortunately have to give a big FU to paper. Sorry Dunder
Mifflin.
18. Would you rather write an entire novel
standing on your tippy-toes or laying down flat on your back?
If I was on my back, the novel would take much, much longer.
I have this weird issue where if I lay down I’ll generally fall asleep within
10 minutes (I think this “weird issue” I have is medically referred to as
“being a lazy, unhealthy slob”). That being said, I’d still go for laying on my
back, as long as I was allowed to build a rig first that would allow me to
write while on my back. Something with cranes and pulleys would be nice.
19. Would you rather read naked in front of a
packed room or have no one show up to your reading?
For the sake of anyone who would be in attendance I would
most definitely rather have no one show up. I’ve had readings at which only 5
or so people showed up, so having nobody show up really isn’t that much of a
stretch.
20. Would you rather read a book that is
written poorly but has an excellent story, or read one with weak content but is
written well?
I’ve read plenty of
books that fall into both categories. Given a choice, I’d go for the one that
is written well. I can be enamored with great language for much longer than I
can be hooked on a strong plot lacking that great language.
And here's Caleb's response to A Lee Martinez's question:
Would you rather be
able to write one (and only one) page of fiction a day (that could be part of a
larger book eventually or just short stories or whatever) or only be able to
write for one week a year? In both
cases, everything you write would be amazing.
Probably a full page of fiction every day, because that’s
actually quite a bit more than my current non-Would-You-Rather scenario output.
Most days I manage a couple hundred words. Writing a full page every day would
actually be quite nice.
But the heart of the question, consistency vs. a single
burst, the single burst would be nice. I’d like to be able to get my pages out
and then have the rest of the time for marketing.
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Check back next week to see how Wayne Franklin answer's Caleb's question:
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Caleb J Ross's fiction and nonfiction has appeared widely, both online and in print. He is the author ofCharactered Pieces: stories, Stranger Will: a novel, I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin: a novel, Murmurs: Gathered Stories Vol. One, and As a Machine and Parts. He is an editor at Outsider Writers Collective and moderates The Velvet Podcast, which gathers writers for round table discussions on literature.
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