Eat Like an Author: Caleb J Ross

When most people get bored, they eat. When I get bored, I brainstorm new series and features for the blog, and THEN eat. And not too long ago, as I was brainstorming and contemplating what I wanted to eat, I thought how cool it would be to have a mini-foodie series where authors share the things they like to eat. Photos and recipes and all. And so I asked them, and amazingly they responded, and I dubbed it EAT LIKE AN AUTHOR. 


Last week, Les Plesko shared his current fascination with veggies in a can. 

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Today, Caleb J Ross shares a meal that is perfect for writing without distracting...

Aunt Caleb’s Author Surprise

If I had every day my way I’d start each writing session with a cigar and a Scotch. Though that’s not technically a meal, and it does present a false image of me as a pompous, tweed-elbowed cretin, it does reflect just the sort of simple, limited collection of imbibables I desire.

The truth is I don’t generally eat when I am writing. All the chewing, hand wiping, mouthfeel sensations, it all distracts. I am very easily distracted. In fact, I’ve already vacuumed my office twice and snipped eight nose hairs since starting this paragraph. And now I’m wondering, if I could let eight nose hairs go undetected for who-knows-how-long, how many more might there be?

Nutritional value aside, fuel is fuel, whether for the body or the mind. Below is my secret family recipe for a dish so good even Paula Deen would…I don’t know…something about racism.

Aunt Caleb’s Author Surprise

1 Cigar (Kuba Maduro, Drew Estate)

1 cigar punch

1 Highball cup, glass

2-3 ice cubes, small

2oz Scotch (Caol Ila or Laphroaig)

Method

1.       Add ice cubes to highball.

2.       Pour Scotch over ice.

3.       Drink vigorously for 25-35 minutes.

4.       Next, turn your attention to the cigar. Use cigar punch to remove pencil-sized plug from end of cigar. Important: do not use a cigar cutter. The large ring gauge of the Kuba Maduro complicates the wrapper integrity and may result in leafy residue on the lips and teeth.

5.       Light end of cigar with whatever the hell flame you have handy. Some chefs will insist on matches or butane torches only. Those chefs are weirdoes.

6.       Write masterpiece.

Serves one.

Aunt Caleb’s Author Surprise is not only a writer’s meal. Readers can enjoy as well. Perhaps while reading Caleb’s eugenics and homing pigeon novel, Stranger Will. Don’t forget dessert: drink another glass of Scotch and read Caleb’s The Metamorphosis-meets-a-home-appliance-factory-line novella, As a Machine and Parts.

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Caleb J Ross's fiction and nonfiction has appeared widely, both online and in print. He is the author ofCharactered Pieces: stories, Stranger Will: a novel, I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin: a novel, Murmurs: Gathered Stories Vol. One, and As a Machine and Parts. He is an editor at Outsider Writers Collective and moderates The Velvet Podcast, which gathers writers for round table discussions on literature.