Time to grab a book and get tipsy!
Back by popular demand, Books & Booze, originally a mini-series of sorts here on TNBBC challenges participating authors to make up their own drinks, name and all, or create a drink list for their characters and/or readers using drinks that already exist.
Today, Danger Slater whips up some totally killer drinks to celebrate his newest release I Will Rot Without You. Drink wisely, and by drink, I mean flush them down the toilet or sink when no one is looking. Hehehe
Greetings, my fellow alcoholics. Here is the ultimate drinking guide for my new novel I WILL ROT WITHOUT YOU. These are cocktails based off of drinks that can be found in the book. A quick glance at the recipes below and you may be asking yourself: wait a second, what sorta sick fuck would advocate drinking Windex and industrial runoff? Well, the thing about that is I’M EXACTLY THE SORTA SICK FUCK WHO WOULD ADVOCATE THAT!
You see, the main character in I WILL ROT WITHOUT YOU is named Ernie Cotard, and he’s got a lot of problems. Not only is he dealing with a recent breakup, but the cockroaches that live in his apartment walls and the intelligent mold growing in his bathroom sink are conspiring against him. They’ve poisoned him. And his body is literally falling apart. In itself, this wouldn’t have bothered Ernie so much, but he just met a new girl named Dee who lives down the hall and with her, he thinks he might be able to finally move on with his life. That is, unless his current infestation, Dee’s (literally) overly-attached boyfriend, or Ernie’s quickly and disgustingly rotting body don’t stop him first.
I suggest you pick up a copy of the book, pour yourself one of my delicious cocktails, and slowly disappear into the endless and immutable void.
3 parts absinthe
1 part Windex®
Splash of grenadine
A couple of drops of arsenic
Severed cockroach wings
Mix the absinthe and Windex® together in a highball glass. Windex®-brand window cleaner is recommended for taste, but in a pinch any generic window cleaner will do. Squirt in a couple of drops of arsenic. The more potent the arsenic, the better. Add a splash grenadine for flavor. But don’t add too much grenadine though. The drink is supposed to be bitter. Bitter like the resentment you feel towards your ex for leaving you. Bitter like your undying and morbid love. Toss in a few cockroach wings and serve over ice.
The Very Very Bloody Mary
1.5 oz. vodka
8 oz. human blood, preferably your own
1 tsp. horseradish
2 stalks of celery
1/2 tsp. mold spores scraped from under your bathroom sink
1/2 tsp. salt
1-2 dashes of Tabasco hot sauce
Cut the celery, including the leaves, and puree. Weep quietly to yourself. Process until finely minced. In a salted glass, combine the human blood, horseradish, mold spores, and Tabasco. Weep some more. Combine the celery puree with the human blood mix. Add vodka. Start laughing manically while continuing to weep. Stir with a celery stalk while the cockroaches that are infesting your disgusting apartment watch in silent judgment. Scream out: “Fuck you, you disgusting little vermin! You stay away from me, you hear?” Weep again.
4 oz. industrial runoff
4 oz. natural spring water
1 tbsp. artificial sweetener
Twist of lime
Combine equal parts fresh spring water with the industrial runoff from whatever chemical plant is located closest to your house. Add in artificial sweetener. DO NOT use real sugar. Add the tissue and let sit until the paper dissolves and makes the drink look sludgey. By this point, the concoction should’ve take on a glowing blueish hue. This is normal. It means it’s working. Add a twist of lime. Or don’t. Who cares? Drink it and when you close your eyes you will see the true face of god.
The Filthy City
1 tall glass of slightly chilled bleach
Dirty. Dirty. Everything is dirty. Must clean everything. Inside and out. I must purify myself. I must purify the world. I can’t go on like this. I must end this. I must shed this skin, this horrible rotting skin I’m trapped in. I will show you how. I will make you love me.
Danger Slater is the world's most flammable writer! He uses a lot of exclamation points when he writes! He is the author of 3.5 books including I WILL ROT WITHOUT YOU available through Fungasm Press. He's an East Coast kid living in Portland, OR where he continues to drive like he's still in New Jersey.