Dear readers, you are in for a treat today! We've got an exclusive sneak peek at Lance Carbuncle's upcoming new novel Sloughing Off the Rot.
Lance and I have known each other (cyberly) for quite awhile. I've read and LURVED both of his self published novels,
hosted an author Q&A with him, and
interviewed him for this blog.
Actually, the story of how we first came to know each other is kinda funny-in-an-embarrassing-for-me way. Back in the days between TNBBC's birth on Goodreads and my decision to start blogging, before I really knew what "reviewing" was, Lance had reached out to me and asked if he could send over a copy of his first novel. I still have the message in my Goodreads inbox, where I responded by saying:
Wait a minute, you're not a stalker, are you? I would hate for this to be some kind of sick set up for a new novel... {{Author visits the reader's home to 'hand deliver' the prized book, kidnaps and tortures her as she reads it, then leaves her on the side of the road, beaten and broken, after he forced her hand for a great review}}...
Not my proudest moment, I can tell you. Anyhow, here we are, nearly 4 years to the month, celebrating Lance's soon-to-be-debuted new novel!
Lemme go ahead and turn this thing over to Lance:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Next Best Book Club is kind enough to present the
opening chapters of my third book, Sloughing Off the Rot. This book is a bit of
a departure for me in that it incorporates aspects of horror and fantasy and
has something of a spiritual (but not preachy) tone to it. This is not because
I am particularly spiritual (I’m not, at all), but because I wanted to address
the philosophical theme of inherent goodness that is in each one of us (even
the worst of us). Unexpectedly, when one eliminates the violence, gore, and
weirdly uncomfortable situations from the story, Sloughing Off the Rot turns
out to be an optimistic statement about innate human goodness thriving under
the proper circumstances and guidance. Of course, you will have to wade,
thigh-high, through a sea of blood, puke, piss and filth to get to the message
of virtue and redemption (kind of like the bible without all of the boring
parts about who begat what or how to compensate a man for the loss of his ass
or daughter).
If you have read and (hopefully) enjoyed either of my first
two books, I am confident that you will recognize the narrative voice of
Carbuncle in Sloughing Off the Rot. Yes, in parts the story is vulgar and
disgusting, but what do you expect from a guy who chooses to base his pseudonym
on an infected boil. I guess that I like the challenge of making my readers
cringe, yet at the same time still want to read more. And if you’ve already
read my work, you know to expect this. Also, you will likely notice ties to my
other books. It is a lot of fun as an author to continue the conceptual
continuity of the fictional Carbuncle Universe. Hopefully this does not come
off as self-absorbed or self-impressed. It was merely fun tie my other works in
and I hope that my readers feel the same way.
Sloughing Off the Rot was a lot of fun to write. And, this
book was even more enjoyable because I had a talented artist, Kelly Williams,
illustrate it. It was a blast working with Kelly and watching the physical
manifestations of some of my characters materialize. (Check out a bit of the awesome
artwork below).
As a special offer, anybody who preorders a copy of the book
through my website will get a free eBook version of their choice of either of
my first two novels. Thanks for checking
out the excerpt of Sloughing Off the Rot.
Please spread the word about my work if you enjoy it. Thanks.
Carbuncle
Sloughing Off the Rot
Sneak Peek
And
that night John went to bed without eating his dinner. Zonked on zolpidem and
single malt scotch, wrapped tightly in his super-special 1,000 thread count
sheets and nestled comfortably on his newfangled memory foam-reclining-adjustable
king-sized bed, John blacked out just after lying down. Peaceful nothingness
swirled around him, tossing off flecks of gold and strands of cool blue. The
ten thousand things fled and left in their place a cozy void.
And that night a screeching horn section
from below jarred John from his warm nothingness. Dissonant, jagged saxophone,
rending the night and prematurely tearing the morning from its belly. Screaming
brass devil, like the Demon Zorn ass-raping Kenny G with a chainsaw. Raw
blistering giggle-jazz.
And that night John heard a voice, as
a trumpet in his head. And the voice commanded: “You shall henceforth be known
as John the Revelator. And you shall walk 500 miles. And when you wake up,
you’re gonna be the man that wakes up next to me.”
“Who are you? What are you?” asked
John.
“I am the alpha and the omega, the
first and last.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I am you as you are me as you are
he and we are all together.”
“What is that even supposed to
mean?”
“Enough of your questions and
your havering. There is important
business before us,” the voice demanded.
And that morning, when John received
his walking orders, he asked no questions. He did as he was bade by the
commanding disembodied presence that he assumed to be the God he never really
believed in. Surveying his surroundings, John realized that his room was no
longer a room, but instead a craggy cave. His bed was now indiscernible from the
dusty ground, his memory foam pillow now a rock. And beside the spot where he
awoke was a hole five cubits in diameter. John peered into the pit but saw no
bottom. He dropped a rock but the sound of it hitting bottom never came to him.
At the edge of the pit were claw marks in the sand and a trail that dragged
itself to the spot where John awoke.
The voice, now speaking in a gentler
tone, said, “You have not been true to me, nor to yourself. But, you are a good
soul. Now is your chance for redemption. Before your journey, it will be
necessary to polish thy rod and salve it with balms and ointments. Do this and
your seed will find purchase, thus populating this desolate land. Be true with
the stroke on your sanctified rod and your issue will increase exponentially
and be fruitful.”
On the floor at his feet sat earthen
jars filled with aromatic balms and ointments. The perfumed scents of
frankincense, and myrrh and patchouli wafted from the containers. John’s member
stood erect against his stomach when he bent and he noticed his nakedness for
the first time. Inexplicable shame first gripped him but was quickly dashed by his
arousal. Glancing around the cave, John confirmed that he was alone and dipped
his hand in one of the clay pots. The golden goo from the pot warmed his hand
and pleasured him greatly as he rubbed it on his loins.
With each slow stroke of his hand
John brought himself to ecstasy, and his loins issued great spouts of crimson
spuz, like a massive bloody font. And a gory puddle formed at and around John’s
feet, like the blood-soaked floor of a slaughterhouse. From the rippling
surface of the blood-puddle, small unrecognizable forms dragged themselves,
clawing madly at the ground, grimacing and pulling themselves through the dust,
growing in power and size while leaving behind them rust-colored trails and
torn membranes as evidence of their birth. And their screams, their wonderful
horrible screams, gasped from newly formed throats. New jagged teeth cut
through fresh pink gums. Some of the creatures stretched, morphing into
muscular serpents, and slithered from the cave. Others took on three legs, four
legs, five legs, more. Thick pelts of fur coated some while others were pale
and wrinkled and unfinished in appearance. Horns and tusks sprouted from their
faces and heads. Incipient bipeds, visibly growing and drunkenly stumbling away
on awkward and uncoordinated spindles, instinctively sensed their superiority.
A two-legged being fell on a small, bushy-tailed creature and beat at it,
discovering the destructive power of the balled fists that had just formed at
the ends of its arms. The biped, triumphant over the smaller creature, tested
his pointy teeth and tore at the creature’s flesh, devouring it, fur and bones
and all. Other two-legged creatures, some simian, some hominid, tore at the
smaller creatures, rending their forms. And as the lesser creatures were destroyed,
torn at, and stomped out, they reverted to bloody puddles, and new, different
forms crawled from the pools and grew and moved out of the cave.
Spent from onanism and birthing,
John collapsed in a corner of the cave, and watched in both horror and fascination
at the genesis of some creatures, and the death and rebirth of others. When the
last of the beings slithered, slunk, scrambled, walked and crawled away, and
the bloody puddle of mess was nothing more than a stinking brown taint on the
ground, John wrapped his arms tightly around his knees and wept until all
feelings deserted him. And he relapsed to the swirling nothingness of the void
left in the absence of the ten thousand things.
In a space of time that stretched
out infinitely, but also contracted into a sliver of a moment, John wept away
his fears and trepidations. And he rose and stepped wide around the rusty blot
on the floor. And the commandment that he begin his journey rang in his head. And
that morning, before dawn broke, John dressed in the white robe and breeches of
fine twisted linen that were left for him. He slipped on leather sandals, exited
the cave, and started walking.
The red brick road snaked before
him, a loopy serpent slinking its lazy way toward the horizon. John knew not
the country around him and marveled at the alien landscape. Rust-colored rock
formations presented with arches carved out of them by time and wind and water.
The barrel cacti, in full bloom, birthed blood red flowers. The black and
twisted skeletons of dead juniper trees silhouetted against the red sky. It all
looked as arid and dusty as John’s throat felt.
And as he walked along the road, the
clanging tone and drone of an out of tune guitar tweaked John’s ears, the hint
of a melody drawing him in while, at the same time, the slightly out of tune
chords setting him ill at ease. An intermittently off-key twang of a voice
crooned about garbage dumps and their previously unsung benefits. The grating
voice finished the song with “and that sums it up in one big lump,” as the high
E string snapped with the last strum.
“Ah, it will be fair weather, my
brother, for the sky is red.” The voice, with forty grit coarseness and dry as
the red sand around them, issued from a slight figure with a crusty tangle of a
beard and the mystical bearing of a holy man. With merely a girdle of skin
about his loins and a leather pouch hanging from his neck, and holding a
weather-beaten guitar close to his chest, the bearded man sat atop a balanced
rock and bored into John with bulging, unblinking eyes.
“Who are you?” asked John. “Where am
I? What the hell is going on?”
“I’m the son of man, son.” The man
went silent and his face contorted, cycling through and miming random emotions.
All the while, his intense unblinking eyes stayed locked on John. The face
emoted confusion, switched to astonishment, followed by sorrow, glee, horror,
amazement, anger, and settled finally on contentment. “I am nobody. I’m a
tramp, a bum, a hobo. I’m a boxcar and a jug of wine. And I’m a straight razor
if you get too close to me. I go by many names. Santiago. El Diablo. Jerry.
Whatever you want to call me, I’m sure I’ve been called worse. Santiago will be
just fine for our purposes.”
“What are our purposes?”
Setting his guitar beside him on the
rock and cocking half of his bushy unibrow, Santiago smiled broadly and
answered, “well for now it seems that our purpose is for you to toss questions
at me as if I’m somehow obligated to give you all the answers. And then I’m
supposed to spoon-feed you the meaning of life. Right, Johnny?”
“Why do you call me Johnny? Is that
my name? How do you know it?”
“See, there you go again. All pushy
with the questions. Yeah, your name’s Johnny, for our purposes. And how do I
know? Shit, boy, I’ve been waiting for you twenty and five days and nights.
I’ve been living on the desert jive, just stayin’ alive. You took long enough
to leave the cave, didn’t ya?”
“You’ve been waiting for me?” said
John. “But why?”
“I’ve been fasting. And waiting. And
walking. I spent a little time on the mountain. I spent a little time on the
hill. I knew you’d be here. I just didn’t know it would take you so damn long.
I’m starving, Jack.” Santiago leapt from his rock, ratty guitar held to his
chest, and stuck his landing right next to the pinyon pine several feet to
John’s side.
“I don’t get it,” said John. “I
don’t know who I am. I don’t remember anything. I woke up in a cave and I must
have been hallucinating because I can’t believe the things I saw. And now
you’re here, telling me that you’ve been waiting for me.”
“Right on,” said Santiago, cocking
his eyebrow to the point that it looked painful.
“So tell me again, what are our
purposes?”
“You’re going on a journey. Dig? A
helluva trip. One big mind-fuck and I get to tag along.” Santiago accented his
words with a fluttering hand and circled John. “Ain’t that a big kick in the
nuggets?”
“A journey?” John rolled his eyes,
threw back his head and sighed deeply, trying to get on top of the panic that
was rising in him. “You’re telling me I’m going on a journey. I’m in no shape
for this. Obviously I must have suffered a head injury or something. I need to
get to a hospital. And you say I’m going on a journey. Says who?”
Santiago’s mouth snapped shut and a
bland blankness washed over his face. Although his eyes lacked expression,
Santiago’s fingers flew over the fretboard of his guitar while his right hand
feverishly plucked strained strings, plinking away at a jangling staccato,
ostinato arpeggio and ignoring John’s questions, circling John, dancing faster
and faster as the tempo of his disharmonious notes quickened.
“Stop!” shouted John, reaching out
and trying unsuccessfully to grab the nimble little man by his hair. “Stop now
and answer me.”
Santiago danced and dodged and
plucked the repetitive spastic notes, the strings going more and more out of
tune and spitting out a warped, grating song. Born of his complete frustration,
John mustered the speed and agility to finally grasp Santiago by his tangled
hair and wrest the guitar away from him.
“Ahhhh!” screamed John. “Ahhhhh!”
and he bashed the guitar against the balanced rock, reducing the instrument to
jagged fragments and splinters. The guitar’s wooden body lay in horrid
disrepair at John’s feet as he stood, hyperventilating and grasping the broken
guitar neck in his hand. Pathetic metal strings dangled from the neck, as if
trying to drop to the ground and take root.
“Oh. You wanna play rough, Johnny?”
An almost joyful glint in his eyes, Santiago leapt back and dropped into a
wrestling stance. His feet spread to shoulder width, one in front and the other
lagging back, knees bent with elbows near the thighs, and hands held out in
tensed claws as if to fend off any further attack. “I was just trying to play
some music to help you calm down. And you attack me? I see how it’s gonna be.
Well let’s roll then.”
Before John could say “no” or even
brace himself for the attack, Santiago
sprang and was on him, a maddened savage gripping John’s torso and sweeping his
legs. Face down in the red dust and choking on a mouthful of earth, John swung
his arm back behind him in an effort to elbow the bushy-headed wild man off of
him. Santiago effortlessly dodged the elbow and grabbed at the arm, twisting it
high behind John’s back and dozing the red dirt with his face. With John’s arm
still wrenched, Santiago mounted his back, wrapped his legs around and locked
them on John’s inner thighs, rendering the larger man helpless.
“Say uncle, Johnny,” Santiago
whispered into John’s ear, the stench from his rotten mouth making John’s eyes
water.
“Get off of me.” John wriggled in
Santiago’s hold but was unable to free himself. “Get the fuck off of me.”
“Just say uncle and I’ll let you
up.”
“No!” John struggled and rolled but
Santiago clung to his back, like a dog locked in coitus with a bitch.
“If you won’t say it, then you’re
escalating this thing.” Santiago leaned in with brown stumps that used to be
teeth and tore off the top of John’s ear. Blood dribbled down his chin as he
chewed on the gristle of the ear and swallowed.
Blood rained from the remainder of
John’s ear and soaked into the sand. “Owww! Fuck. Okay. Okay. Uncle. Get off of
me.”
Santiago sprung from John and
reverted to his defensive wrestling stance, hands out in front and clawed for
another attack. His unblinking eyes locked on John’s. “Are we done with this
nonsense? Are we cool?” asked Santiago. “Can we get on with things now?”
John rose unsteadily to his feet and
wobbled, almost falling back down. Backing away from Santiago, John said, “You
ate my ear. You ate my fucking ear. You’re crazy. Just leave me alone.” He
continued to shrink back from Santiago, shaking his head in disbelief. “You ate
my fucking ear.”
Thin, dry lips parted, revealing
Santiago’s moldy smile. “Come on, man. It doesn’t matter. Your ear will grow
back. And besides, I warned you that I was hungry. I’m always hungry, man. You
should have said uncle.”
“What do you mean my ear will grow
back?” John held his hand tightly to the side of his head to stanch the
bleeding and felt the thub, thub, thub,
thub of the injury throbbing on the palm of his hand.
“That’s the way things work here.”
“Where is here?” asked John, waving
his free hand about around himself.
“That’s what you need to find out,”
said Santiago as he climbed back atop the balanced rock and sat, Indian style.
“I need to be anywhere but here,”
John said. He turned and started to walk. “I certainly don’t need to be
attacked and chewed on.”
“Wait up, man,” Santiago shouted
from the rock as John continued to walk away. “Don’t you want to know what our
purposes are before you split?”
And John paused his retreat,
stopping but not turning back. “Why should I believe that you have any answers
for me?”
“Because I’m spiritually allied with
the desert, Jack. I’m spiritually allied with the scorpion and the wolf. You
live in your physical realm. But, I’m in the spiritual, baby. I walk and talk
and do all the physical things. But that’s only because I want to. Dig? If I
don’t want to do something, I don’t have to. I’m not stuck on that trip. See?”
“No, Santiago or whatever your name
is, I don’t see,” said John, flapping his arms about spastically as if slapping
Santiago’s words from the air before they could reach him. “You don’t make any
sense. If you have some answers for me, please just give them.”
“I have no answers.”
“Then why did you ask me to
stop?”
“Because I know where your answers
can be found.”
“Well, tell me then,” said John.
“You must climb the mountain and
seek the counsel of the burning thorn bush.”
“Okay, so you’re just talking
nonsense again. I get it. Thanks for nothing.” John turned and began walking
again. Almost immediately, Santiago appeared at his side, grabbing his arm to
stop him.
“For real, man,” Santiago said.
“Just turn around and look.”
With the last of his patience, John
stopped and turned around. Santiago’s buggy whip arm extended his hand and
pointed toward the mountain from which John exited. A stone’s throw above the
cave entrance sat a thorn bush, alight with great blue and orange flames, but
the bush itself did not burn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh but wait... we're not done yet!
Lance has cooked up a cool giveaway to help promote Sloughing Off the Rot.
2 Grand Prize Winners (US Residents only due to Shipping)
2 Runners-up (International)
eBook copies of both
and
in the format of your choice
COMMENT HERE TO THROW YOUR NAME INTO THE HAT!
The giveaway runs through November 23rd
Winners will be announced on November 24th here and via email
(be sure to tell us what country you are in so your comment counts!)
Good luck!!
The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium
and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an
ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat
deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock
garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through
a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order
to feed the infestation of children in his house. Carbuncle is the author of
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed and the 2009
Reader’s Views Literary Awards Humorous Fiction Winner, Grundish and
Askew. Carbuncle’s third novel (unnamed at the present) will be released in
November/December of 2012 by Vicious Galoot Books.
